So I had a phone conversation yesterday afternoon with an old friend who moved away from Colorado years before I did. We made brief reference to our friendship when we were both living in the same city and he described friendship with me in one perfect word...Intense. It kept repeating itself in my head throughout the day and I realized that there is no better way to describe friendship with me. And I mean, heartfelt, share deepest secrets with one another friendship, not just mere acquaintances. I took a look back over the relationships I've had with dating or just great friends and sometimes I'm embarrassed to admit, even to myself, the actions I've taken and the things I've said. I am an intense friend. I was thinking back on one friend I have who, when she was caught in a lie that she had told me, explained that I have high expectations for my friends and it's hard to live up to that. I've always thought about that. So with that in the back of my head, and this new comment of having an intense friendship, I wonder, what does it take to be a good friend? I think overall I'm a good friend. I have good intentions. I care about my friends and what happens to them, but the intense part and the high expectation part is that I seem to be overly involved in the things that happen to them. And this only applies to great friends. I can watch a pretty good friend make a similar life choice and be worried, but I don't feel as upset about it as I would a great friend. I can see a pretty good friend have a major triumph and I'm happy for them, but a great friend, I'm full of pride that they call me friend and that I know them.
It's been said on more than one occasion that you can always tell what I'm thinking by my face. It shows everything. Happy, sad, mad, annoyed, incredulous. And I know from experience that if a thought enters into my head I can't not say it. I may hold it in for a while but it finds it's way out eventually. So I wonder if these great friends of mine feel this way about me because I don't hide any emotion or thought from them. Other people may see things on my face, but eventually, they leave so they don't get to hear thoughts on their actions always. I don't really know the answer. I don't know the reason. I wish I did. I want to be a better friend, not so alienating at times. I know that despite my shortcomings, I have qualities that keep these friends around. Because they are still around. And they are still great friends.
Sometimes I get to wondering about how much of myself do I want to change in the name of being a better friend? I feel like I've reined myself in a bit. But when I look back on it I wonder if I've reined it in or if I'm just avoiding the problem altogether. I'm in a new town with new people and I'm not always confident that my loud and boisterous personality is going to go over very well. I think it takes a little time to get to know me and to love the me that I am. But usually I'm surrounded by good friends who are easy to like and balance me out a little. So new people keep coming back. But here, in this town, I'm the visitor in homes and as soon as I felt that intensity and overbearingness, I found myself pulling away from new friends. If I can't figure out a way to rein it in in the present, maybe it's best to not be present. But that's obviously not the answer either. I need to be confident in the person that I am. Confident in the friend that, while loud and boisterous and "intense" and full of expectations, is still a good, caring, accepting friend.
And literally, for the first time ever, I finally see all of the good things my friends have been telling me over and over again that I have and that keep them coming back.
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