Nervous Laughter Perfected

I've worked in some different customer service industries and have been placed in different uncomfortable situations. None, however, are as awkward to deal with as the drunken horny hotel guest.
If anyone actually knows me, like really knows me, you know, and often find humor, or horror, in the fact that I sometimes welcome customer conflict. Especially when the guest is clearly in the wrong. My favorite job so far has been the Covenants Administrator at a HOA in Colorado. Telling people that they're breaking the rules and being 100% right? I can't think of a better job!
My choice to work in a hotel actually came while working at a restaurant and serving, unbeknowest to me, the general manager of the hotel across the street. I got a job offer after the two minutes it took to take and deliver their drink orders. I made some sarcastic joke and she was hooked. I worked at the hotel first as a room service server and was quickly moved over to the front desk after they noticed my incredible work ethic and customer service skills. Maybe that sounds conceited but oh well, I can't help what's true. :)
I had zero idea though what kind of industry I was getting myself into when I moved over to that front desk. I was in for a surprise for just how little people traveling feel they should do for themselves. In my first week at the front desk a family entered the hotel all in swim gear and eager to get to their destination. They skipped up to the desk and asked me,
"Where exactly are the springs?"
"Um...Manitou Springs' drinking springs?"
"No, the hot springs."
"Uh...we don't have hot springs here."
"Isn't this Colorado Springs?"
"It is, but we don't have springs. The nearest are two hours away in Glenwood Springs."
The dad's next course of action was to question me as to why a city would have the name springs in it without having any actual springs. He was actually angry with me over this great travesty. As if I had something personally to do with naming this town founded several years before my grandparents were even a thought in my great-grandparents minds. My thinking was, how are you, a grown man going to bring your family to a strange town and not even research anything about it? The best part of this whole story is that this wasn't even a guest of my hotel. This man drove his family into a strange town, walked into a random hotel and asked a how to get somewhere that didn't exist. Good job dad.
I could go on and on about this sort of story but that's a whole different blog. The purpose of this post are the helpless guests who quickly turn into potential sexual offenders. I'd like to add a side note, that not once in Colorado did a guest proposition me. But in Arizona, people be needin some lovin!
The first hotel I worked at here was full of black men who kept inviting me to their room. I love when they give me their room number. I know where you are, I work here, but thanks. The last guy at that hotel went so far as to graphically describe what he had planned and included some well placed gestures. He was super drunk and I actually found myself worried that I may not be able to get rid of him. It was the first time I was actually concerned for my welfare. I mean first. I wasn't even scared of the death threats at the bank I used to work at, but this guy and his gyrations were a little uncomfortable. And on top of that, he's drunk, so there's a fine line sometimes between placating them and aggravating them, and where exactly is that line? I'm not good with fine lines. I usually barrel straight over them without realizing that they were there in the first place.
Last night was a good example of the line being crossed without my knowledge. We had a guest come to check in and immediately needed help with every little thing. We gave him directions to the local bar and he went on his way. When he returned hours later he was super hungry and all we have to offer at this hotel are M&M's that we have at the front desk. I gave him the number to a 24 hour pizza delivery service and he stood at the counter to make his order. Any guest who wants to conduct his business at the counter is a pain because they will inevitably be asking question after question. But whatever, not the point. He asked if I would like some pizza and I declined, explained that I had already eaten but thank you for the offer. When he got off the phone he was very persistent that he wanted to give me a slice. In the middle of the debate came the, what time do you get off, inquiry. At this point my antenna had finally gone up but I was completely thrown off guard. I'm not trying to sound racist but the extent of my experience with flirtatious guests had been limited to black men only. I don't know what it is that I'm doing that they like, but they like it, and they like it even more to tell me they like it. This guy though was white. And the initial offer of food is not uncommon. All different size, shape, sex and race of guest like to bring me food. But the persistant offer is not very common and the when are you free question is even more uncommon. I finally agreed to a slice just to end the conversation and get rid of him.  Here's where I thought the line had been crossed. After agreeing to pizza he said that I would need to come up to his room to get it. Crap. What do I say now? It's in my very nature to joke around with guests and I've just realized joking isn't going to work here. I agreed and just figured when the pizza came I would tell him I was unable to leave the desk but thank you and good night. When he got up to his room he called down and said, don't bother sending up the pizza guy, when it comes, you deliver it to me. My next instinctive question was, "Why?" It just came out. "Because I want you to", was his answer. Okay...
See, what I've learned about myself is that of all the times I've welcomed and successfully traveled through confrontation in customer situations, I immediately shut down when it comes to the drunken and hidden proposition. He hasn't directly offered anything inappropriate, but I know of many situations where a hotel employee has delivered something to a guest room and the guest is naked or half naked. I've encountered the half naked variety often. And I know that he won't be waiting at the door with the slice in hand, he's gonna want me to come in and get it. Literally and figuratively. Not interested. Wanting to get off the phone with as little conversation as possible, I just said that I would try to bring up the pizza. I immediately went to the other night auditor and explained what had just happened. He had only been out for the first 30 seconds of this interaction and immediately told me that this is what happens when you joke around. Uh, no it's not. I joke with everyone, drunk and sober. This is new and uncomfortable and I'm completely weak when trying to avoid this potentially scary event. At the least he's just going to give me pizza, at the worst I'm in a seriously bad situation. And I've mentioned before that I'm a glass half empty person so I prepare for the worst. It did take a few more phone calls to convince him I wasn't going to be delivering the pizza, all phone calls initiated by him BTW. And the night went by without incident. But I'd like to know how I can keep this from happening again.  Suggestions are appreciated if there are even any to be given.